Joke of the Day

Top 10 Least Popular Courses at Starfleet Academy



10. Admiral Uniform Design.
9. Anthropology 502: Mating Habits of the Pakled.
8. Crashing Starships on Planets.
7. Literature 404: The Knock-Knock Joke In Vulcan Literature.
6. Jim Kirk's Women: A Career Retrospective.
5. Engineering 101: Inflating Repair Estimates.
4. Horta Wrestling.
3. Klingon Cuisine (lab).
2. Statistics 300: The Data On Command Baldness.
1. Android Studies: The Role of Mechanicals in Federation History.

I will take #2 Statistics on Baldness. It just sounds fascinating

LOLZ and wow to both of those!

lol... that was... well... kinda wierd... but funny in a python borgish sort of way.

The Buffalo Theory
The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

HAhahaha It finally makes sense!!

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"
And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Nancy, I told you a hundred times....what we have is Blue Cross!"

Ok I know this one is going ot get me killed by Jonjah.


BBQ Rules

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

nice!
Funny BBQ story I pulled my old grill out and began to use it again about two weeks ago. I normally use a name brand charcoal but thought I would be frugal and bought some no name match light stuff. So after some extensive work to get this junk to light I go about and cook my families meal. About an hour later I go back to clean off the grills cooking surface and put it away for the night. I look in through the smoke hatch and confirm the fire is out. As I open the grill, FOOM! A fireball comes out of the grill catching my right arm burning off all the hair, destroying my favorite watch and giving me what looks like a bad sunburn. Me neighbor is an RN and she told me there was no need to go to the hospital. About a block from my house is a Fire station I went over and asked how this could happen. They informed me that match light charcoal can contain great combustibility even after being dormant for twenty four hours. They also recommended I never use match light charcoal again and in fact recommended propane. That part I tuned out.

Ick propane , dude hope your arm is ok. I love my grill as much as i love my tools Jonjah says that i look like a manly man when I’m out cooking on it ... so I cook on the grill as much as possible. funny story about our grill my dad asked my wife what she wanted for our seventh wedding anniversary she said a grill (Jonjah is a country girl from Colorado so yes MY wife wanted a grill) because when we moved into our house we had to leave the grill that we made from a 50 gal oil drum (sniff i miss my first grill) . Well I forgot about it and my dad and I went to home depot , he said he needed to pick out a grill for a friend and which one did I like . So I made a b-line straight to this huge charcoal and wood smoker /grill and my dad that one looks good and we put it in the buggy . Well my dad is dropping me off he says we need to get your grill off the back of the truck , I said due huh. He repeated himself help me get your grill off the back of the truck. I squealed with glee ( yes I squealed what of it?) and helped him take this monster box down from the truck. After we got it down he said it’s all yours and I spent 4 hours putting that thing together . Jonjah when she got home saw the grill immediately got back in the car and went to the store and bought steaks , and chicken and hot dogs ( yes my wife is a carnivore didn’t I tell you she is from Colorado ) and some charcoal and some apple wood chips. God that was good eating that night. Damnit I need to grill tonight.

Well, isn't that precious?

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...

Business is Business ...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Dear Grand-son,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting... So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my your younger brother John in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
John burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. .. . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Truth.

LMAO!

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine dat light in her face!

Italian Tomato Garden:

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you
Vinnie

HAHAHAHA Love it!

Really liked that last one

Wow! Now thats thinking on your feet!