Joke of the Day

ha! that is epic.

Q: Why don't dinosaurs smile?










A: CUZ THEY ALL DEAD.

i dunno about this. eveyi pictures with t-rex show them kind of smiling.

Btw nowest harry potter spinoff:

Nerd?
A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years.
One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, 'It's not a ship.' The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, 'It's not a boat.' The speck gets even closer and he thinks, 'It's not a raft.' Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, 'How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?' 'Ten years!', he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, 'Man, oh man! Is that good!'
Then she asked, 'How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?'
He replies, 'Ten years!' She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, 'Wow! That's fantastic!' Then she starts unzipping this long zipper
that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, 'And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?'
And the man replies, 'My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there?'

hahahaha, nice.

Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in

an effective manner.




Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.





Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.





Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?





Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible..
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.





Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!



Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.



Number 7
TRY SAYING:&n bsp;I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.





Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?





Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.





Number 10
TRY SAYIN G: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?





Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.





Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.





Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.





Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.





Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.





Number 16


TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.





Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?





Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.




Thank You,
Human Resources

lololololololoollllll.... I've never worked in a cubicle environment, but man that's funny.

That's awesome!

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer.

As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

The bartender says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Oh, don't worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

LOL Baitem'....

Two molecules are passing by each other. The first one says to the second "Hey, I'm missing an electron. Have you seen one loose around here?" The second replys "No I haven't. Are you sure you lost one?". The first molecule replys "Yes, I'm positive!"

Woot! Science jokes weeeeeee! hehe

Subject: God & Women


A man was riding his Harley along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head.
... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something
that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally,
he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could
understand our wives; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she
means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make
a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"

DIFFERENT LEVELS OF EXERCISE
DIFFERENT LEVELS OF EXERCISE

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise,

but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric

content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and

proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent............................12 Calories
Without her consent..................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.........................8 Calories
With one hand..........................12 Calories
With your teeth.......................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection......................6 Calories
Without an erection...........3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................... ......78 Calories
69 standing up.........................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow............... ...... ....216 Calories
Doggy Style.............................326 Calories
Italian chandelier....................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real.............................112 Calories
Fake.................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..........................................18 Calories
Getting up immediately......................................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:
20-29 years.........................36 Calories
30-39 years.........................80 Calories
40-49 years.......................124 Calories
50-59 years....................1,972 Calories
60-69 years....................7,916 Calories
70 and over............................... A Miracle

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.............................................................32 Calories
In a hurry.................................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door............5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

ROFLMAO!