Joke of the Day

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Note to self: Before you attempt to hide the "family jewels", make sure that they belong to your hubby first. (Remembering what he was wearing might help in the matter.)

LOL! That is amazing hahahahah!

MURPHY'S 15 OTHER LAWS...

1. Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong - a tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like . night.



5. Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9.. If you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, some idiot will try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.



11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight - a case for holding dead batteries.

14 . The shin bone - a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and
take all of the credit.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE: Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.

Lol! Nice!

Top 10 Best (Worst) Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher


10. After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.

9. Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.

8. Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock the little snot around a bit."

7. Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.

6. Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide.

5. Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.

4. On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.

3. In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. Wesley's head explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.

2. Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.

1. Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply any where. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.

Wow... just wow... lol

uh....wow i wouldn't mind going out by #9

The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise




10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain

9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being

Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make
chocolate

7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer

6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him

5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled
voices

4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children
and no adults

3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24
hours more growth

2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "Kick Me!"

1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter
containment fields are collapsing"

haha bad day...

Top Ten Fun Things To Do Aboard The Starship Enterprise:


10. Playing Jimi Hendrix in the Holodeck while Geordi is there and using appropriate psychedelia on the walls to drive him crazy
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!

Nice!

TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD



20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk

19. The ball in Parisis' Squares

18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft

17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet

16. Scare blind students in Braille class

15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews

14. Lawn decoration in Arboretum

13. Footstool for Captain's chair

12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show

11. Scare Alexander into doing chores

10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift

9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank

8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get
"ahead" in research

7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards

6. Two words: tether ball

5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking

4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet

3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class

2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time

1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his
life insurance policy

53. You say 'Engage" to taxi driver

hehe

Top 10 least known Ferengi Rules of Acquisition




10. If a sign says 'buy one, get one free' only get the free one


9. Always give the pizza guy bad directions to your house so you
can get it for free if he is late

8. Unless something is damaged, its in "mint" condition

7. If it is damaged, then its "near mint"

6. If there is a limit per customer, bring a friend and come back
every 10 minutes to buy more

5. Its cheaper to bribe a stock boy than the manager

4. Consequences schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich

3. No matter what you steal from the Federation, the Romulans will
always pay top dollar for it

2. Only sell to civilizations dumber than you are

1. All those rules apply to other people--not you

Lol! Love it! That was awesome!

If Dr. Suess Wrote for Star Trek: TNG:

Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,

So, Data, please, how far? How far?





Data: Our ship can get there very fast

But still the trip will last and last

We'll have two days til we arrive

But can the Indrans there survive?





Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.





LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!





Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!

Please make it so, please make it so!





Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,

We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,

The danger here is far too great!





Picard: But surely we must not be late!





Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.





Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!





Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?

Who lit the fire?





Riker: Not me.





Worf: Not me.





Picard: Computer, how long til we die?





Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.





Data: May I suggest a course to take?

We could, I think, quite safely make

Extinguishers from tractor beams

And stop the fire, or so it seems...





Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!

Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!





Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.

You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.





Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --





Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...





Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.

We understand -- we get your gist.

But can we get our ship to go?

Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.





Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires

And that's what started all the fires.





Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!

We need to go! We need to go!





Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy

And lock him up and ask him why?





Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.

I say give him problems dental.





Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?

Have scanners said that they've been found?

Or is it Borg or some new threat

We haven't even heard of yet?

I sense no malice in this crew.

Now what are we supposed to do?





Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.

They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"

I can't just sit and let them die!

A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!





Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.





Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.





*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK

HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*





Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.

He's very strong and very big.

I had my phaser set on stun --

A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!

He would not budge, he would not fall,

He would not stun, no, not at all!

He changed into a stranger form

All soft and purple, round and warm.





Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?

Did you see this creature morph?





Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.

Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.





Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!

Our troubles now are at an end!





Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly

And orbit yonder Indran sky!





Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?





Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.





Picard: Then make it so!

my brain exploded, oh no!

LOL! I love it!