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    Joke of the Day

    Share

    Pyriel32
    Director of Intelligence

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Tue Jun 02, 2009 8:15 pm

    10 time divorce

    A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
    On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

    'What?' said the puzzled groom.

    'How can that be possible if you've been married ten times.?'

    'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.
    'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me..
    'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
    Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
    'Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
    'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
    'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
    'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
    'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .
    'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ...
    God I miss him.
    'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
    'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?
    To which she replied,
    'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT' . ..
    This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.

    Baumer
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Tue Jun 02, 2009 10:52 pm

    WoW! LOL lol!

    qoona
    Done the Impossible

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by qoona on Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:08 am



    __________________________________________________________
    You cant make fun of others, if you cant make fun of yourself

    I am an actor not a doctor!- Jackson DeForest Kelley

    Timelord
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Timelord on Wed Jun 03, 2009 12:45 pm

    A salesman was driving through the middle of nowhere in the Midwest, bored to tears and fighting off highway hypnosis when he noticed--or thought he noticed--a sign on the side of the road:

    "Sisters of Mercy Convent and House of Prostitution: 10 miles ahead"

    Whoa, that can't be right, he thought. He shook it off, refocused himself, and continued driving.

    Before long, he saw another sign.

    "Sisters of Mercy Convent and House of Prostitution: 7 miles ahead"

    Okay, I /know/ I saw that, he thought. How bizarre! He drove on.

    Another sign approached: "Sisters of Mercy Convent and House of Prostitution: 4 miles ahead"

    His interest was piqued. I'll just keep my eyes peeled, just to see what the place looks like...

    Another sign. "Sisters of Mercy Convent and House of Prostitution: 1 mile ahead on right!"

    To hell with it! he thought. I've GOT to see this. He turned on the next right a mile down the road and parked his car in front of a large, pleasant looking farmhouse. The sign in front clearly proclaimed: "Sisters of Mercy Convent & House of Prostitution" He eagerly climbed out of his car & went inside.

    As his eyes adjusted to the dimmer lighting, a lithe young woman, her curves clearly visible even beneath her nun's habit, approached him with a seductive smile. "Good afternoon, my son. How might the Sisters of Mercy...assist you?"

    "Well," he replied, "I saw your signs on the road, and...well...I was interested in...you know..."

    She nodded understandingly. "Of course, of course. You understand that we charge $500, all up front."

    He accepted this without comment. It took all the cash he had set aside for this trip, but he figured it was worth it. He paid the nun. She smiled, and led him to an open doorway. "Follow this hallway all the way back; your reward awaits you beyond the doorway."

    He proceeded down the long, darkened hallway, his palms growing sweaty and his heart racing as he imagined the pleasures awaiting him. He opened the doorway, stepped through...

    ...and was blinded by the sunlight and startled as the door shut and locked itself with a *click* behind him. As his vision cleared, all he could see was a big sign:

    "Congratulations! You just got screwed by the Sisters of Mercy!"

    Lastline
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Lastline on Wed Jun 03, 2009 2:16 pm

    Ouch!


    __________________________________________________________

    Baumer
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Wed Jun 03, 2009 10:43 pm

    Muwahahahhaah love it!

    Pyriel32
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Wed Jun 03, 2009 11:19 pm

    damn

    Pyriel32
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Sat Jun 13, 2009 8:50 am

    Splinters
    A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
    She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As
    She neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
    In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
    She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
    The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
    She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
    The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
    He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
    I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

    Pyriel32
    Director of Intelligence

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Sat Jun 13, 2009 8:52 am

    Children

    Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

    The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
    She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

    The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

    She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

    The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

    She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

    Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
    She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

    She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

    The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

    She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

    Pyriel32
    Director of Intelligence

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Sat Jun 13, 2009 8:53 am

    This one might et me killed but to hell with it.


    Making love...

    A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

    The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

    The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

    Baumer
    Fleet Admiral

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Sat Jun 13, 2009 9:40 am

    Oooooooh! Ouch! haha

    Pyriel32
    Director of Intelligence

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Sun Jun 14, 2009 7:22 am

    A Scotch with two drops of water

    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
    The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
    As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
    The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
    'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
    buy you one, too.'
    The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
    'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
    As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
    The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

    Pyriel32
    Director of Intelligence

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Sun Jun 14, 2009 7:25 am

    *WARNING * Technological Doctor *WARNING*

    One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."

    His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."

    The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
    You have tennis elbow.
    Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
    It will be better in two weeks.

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

    He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
    Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
    Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
    Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

    And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

    Baumer
    Fleet Admiral

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Mon Jun 15, 2009 12:50 am

    Lol! Love it!

    Lastline
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Lastline on Mon Jun 15, 2009 5:51 pm

    LMAO!!!


    __________________________________________________________

    Pyriel32
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Mon Jun 15, 2009 7:53 pm

    40 things you would like to say at work

    1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

    3. How about never? Is never good for you?

    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

    6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.


    10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

    11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

    18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

    20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

    23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

    24. Do I look like a people person?

    25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

    33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

    34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

    37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

    39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

    40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

    Lastline
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Lastline on Mon Jun 15, 2009 9:14 pm

    Oh man that was awesome! I actually laughed so hard I cried!


    __________________________________________________________

    Pyriel32
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Mon Aug 17, 2009 10:57 pm

    The things kids say !!

    1) NUDITY

    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

    2) OPINIONS

    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

    3) KETCHUP

    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

    4) MORE NUDITY

    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

    5) POLICE # 1

    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

    6) POLICE # 2

    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
    'It sure is,' I replied.
    Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

    7) ELDERLY

    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

    Cool DRESS-UP

    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
    'And why not, darling?'
    'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

    9) DEATH

    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
    The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

    10) SCHOOL

    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

    11) BIBLE (I love this one)

    A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
    'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
    'What have you got there, dear?'
    With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

    Pyriel32
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Mon Aug 17, 2009 11:01 pm

    What do you get when you mix Ex-Lax and Viagra?

    TOTAL CONFUSION

    You don't know if you're cumming or going....

    Baumer
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Mon Aug 17, 2009 11:20 pm

    yikes haha

    Baumer
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Sat Aug 29, 2009 7:12 pm

    Getting a hairdryer through customs...

    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

    'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

    'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
    mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,


    and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it

    through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

    'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

    'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
    The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

    'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

    The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
    have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

    'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

    Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

    Lastline
    Commander Air Group

    Fleet Rank : Fleet Admiral
    Serenity Starfighter Corps : FSC Fleet Chief Flight Marshal
    Number of posts : 3316
    Location : The Second Chance
    Ship Name : Sun Burst
    Ship Registry Number : NCC-989543
    Ship Class : Valkyrie
    Fleet Division : Starfighter Corps (The Fireflys)

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name: Nathan "Lastline" Merano

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Lastline on Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:51 pm

    HAHAHAHA!! Awesome!!


    __________________________________________________________

    Zapp Brannigan
    So very pretty

    Fleet Rank : Commander
    Serenity Starfighter Corps : FSC Wing Colonel
    Number of posts : 335
    Location : Take me out to the black. Tell them I ain't coming back!
    Ship Name : Nimbus-B
    Ship Class : Modified Vesper Class
    Fleet Division : Starfighter Corps (The Fireflys)

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Zapp Brannigan on Sun Aug 30, 2009 12:29 am

    LOL! Lovin' it!

    Garfunkel64
    Firefly

    Fleet Rank : Captain
    Serenity Diplomatic Corps :
    Security/Marine Rank : FMC Major
    Number of posts : 1747
    Location : On the flightline, rep'n jets.
    Ship Name : USS Dark Knight
    Ship Registry Number : NCC-117076
    Ship Class : Sovereign
    Fleet Division : Marines/Security

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name: Art Garfunkel

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Garfunkel64 on Sun Aug 30, 2009 8:50 am

    ROFL


    __________________________________________________________
    Alliance Commander: Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of.

    Mal: May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."


    Baumer
    Fleet Admiral

    Fleet Rank : Admiral
    Serenity Diplomatic Corps : Senior Ambassador
    Number of posts : 4834
    Ship Name : USS Combination
    Ship Registry Number : NCC-77721
    Ship Class : Prometheus Class
    Fleet Division : Command

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name: Jeff Baumer

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Mon Aug 31, 2009 9:06 pm

    PECANS IN THE
    CEMETERY

    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence... One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
    'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy.
    Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!
    Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

    The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
    When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard 'One for you, one for me. One for
    you, one for me..'
    The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still
    unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

    At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
    get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
    They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

    SMILE, God Loves You

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    Re: Joke of the Day

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