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    Joke of the Day

    Share

    Jonjah
    Fleet Mom

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    Joke of the Day

    Post by Jonjah on Wed Nov 26, 2008 12:01 am

    Official Rules

    Pyriel32 wrote:hi folks we don't get enough humor in our lives so here you go. Post your funny jokes here and may the laughter commence!

    Last few posts from the old site: (usually we post the last 8, however they are really long, so unfortunatly, that will not happen here. Sorry guys. Sad ) http://www.freeforum101.com/serenitystation/viewtopic.php?t=30&mforum=serenitystation

    Baumer wrote:--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Smile:


    Marriage changes passion.
    Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
    So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

    How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
    Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

    I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

    When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

    Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

    Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

    Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

    Wouldn't you know it...
    Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

    Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

    Bumper sticker of the year:
    'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

    And remember:
    Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
    The closer it gets to the end,
    The faster it goes.
    Jonjah wrote:A Chick With Long Legs

    A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

    The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
    The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

    The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

    "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

    The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
    Baumer wrote:LOL! Love it!
    Baumer wrote:A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco .
    Enexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

    Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

    He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

    Picture this:

    All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

    The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

    True story... Have a great day and remember...


    __________________________________________________________

    Jonjah
    Fleet Mom

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Jonjah on Sat Nov 29, 2008 1:03 am

    *Please, please don't try and explain drinking beer this way* LOL....It's funny....but sooooo not true.


    The Buffalo Theory
    The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

    A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

    This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

    In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

    In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

    That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!


    __________________________________________________________

    Baumer
    Fleet Admiral

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Sat Nov 29, 2008 1:07 am

    LOL! drunken

    Pyriel32
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Sat Nov 29, 2008 2:47 am

    ............................................______ __
    ....................................,.-‘”...................``~.,
    .............................,.-”...................................“-.,
    .........................,/...............................................”:,
    .....................,?........................... ...........................\,
    .................../.................................................. .........,}
    ................./.................................................. ....,:`^`..}
    .............../.................................................. .,:”........./
    ..............?.....__............................ .............:`.........../
    ............./__.(.....“~-,_..............................,:`........../
    .........../(_....”~,_........“~,_....................,:`..... ..._/
    ..........{.._$;_......”=,_.......“-,_.......,.-~-,},.~”;/....}
    ...........((.....*~_.......”=-._......“;,,./`..../”............../
    ...,,,___.\`~,......“~.,....................`..... }............../
    ............(....`=-,,.......`........................(......;_,,-”
    ............/.`~,......`-...............................\....../\
    .............\`~.*-,.....................................|,./.....\,__
    ,,_..........}.>-._\...................................|........... ...`=~-,
    .....`=~-,_\_......`\,.................................\
    ...................`=~-,,.\,...............................\
    ................................`:,,.............. .............`\..............__
    .....................................`=-,...................,%`>--==``
    ........................................_\........ ..._,-%.......`\
    ...................................,<`.._|_,-&``................`\

    Jonjah
    Fleet Mom

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Jonjah on Sun Nov 30, 2008 2:52 am

    I LOOOOVVVVEEEE IIIITTTT!!!!!!!!!!!! cheers lol! What a Face Razz


    __________________________________________________________

    Truth Seer
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Truth Seer on Tue Dec 02, 2008 11:32 am

    I failed this IQ test myself......
    Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

    There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.?

    By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses
    himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

    Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

    Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...




























    He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses".

    If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

    ( I've got mine shutting down right now )


    __________________________________________________________

    Baumer
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Thu Dec 11, 2008 2:49 am

    Hope these are fun for you.

    1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
    be an optical Aleutian .

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
    was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other,
    'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

    14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

    When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,


    'No change yet.'

    17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

    19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    21. A backward poet writes inverse.

    22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

    Jonjah
    Fleet Mom

    Fleet Rank : Captain
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Jonjah on Fri Dec 12, 2008 12:56 am

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    Hey, are you talking about me? *wink*...pretty funny, Baumer. (shakes head) I love bad jokes like that. Smile They're addictive.


    __________________________________________________________

    Baumer
    Fleet Admiral

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Fri Dec 12, 2008 4:04 am

    hehe... yeah... it does have some relevance doesnt it haha

    Pyriel32
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Fri Dec 12, 2008 10:44 am

    Whos the Man?
    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

    'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

    'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

    'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

    She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

    Baumer
    Fleet Admiral

    Fleet Rank : Admiral
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Fri Dec 12, 2008 1:15 pm

    LOL! Twisted Evil

    Baumer
    Fleet Admiral

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Fri Dec 19, 2008 1:26 am

    [img][/img]

    Exezer
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Exezer on Fri Dec 19, 2008 3:13 am

    OMG lol funny ....they found my cat ....


    __________________________________________________________


    Baumer
    Fleet Admiral

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Sun Dec 21, 2008 2:40 am

    LOL! Yeah, that cracked me up!

    Truth Seer
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Truth Seer on Sun Dec 21, 2008 5:41 pm

    Something to think about.

    a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.

    b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 20,000.

    c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.


    Then think about this:

    a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes,eighty-million!).

    b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is1,500.

    c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

    Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

    FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.


    __________________________________________________________

    Pyriel32
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Sun Dec 21, 2008 7:10 pm

    lol

    Hogg J (JarHok)
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Hogg J (JarHok) on Sun Dec 21, 2008 7:19 pm

    hahaha

    Pyriel32
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Wed Dec 24, 2008 11:07 am

    X-mas stamps

    A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
    She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
    The clerk says, "What denomination?"
    The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

    Pyriel32
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Wed Dec 24, 2008 11:08 am

    True -Weird News stories

    1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
    2. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
    3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
    4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
    5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
    6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
    7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
    8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
    9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
    10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
    11. A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
    12. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
    13. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
    14. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
    15. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
    16. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla, in 1981, sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
    17. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
    18. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
    19. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
    20. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
    21. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
    22. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
    23. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
    24. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, coming to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed

    Truth Seer
    Big Damn Hero

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Truth Seer on Tue Dec 30, 2008 11:09 am

    What not to say to a cop....
    1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

    2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

    3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

    4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
    Good job!

    5. Are You Andy or Barney?

    6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

    7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

    8. I pay your salary!

    9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific.
    The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

    10. Do you know why you pulled me over?
    Okay, just so one of us does.


    __________________________________________________________

    Baumer
    Fleet Admiral

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Thu Jan 22, 2009 12:06 am

    Kids Are Quick


    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
    MARIA: Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
    CLASS: Maria.

    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: ; You told me to do it without using tables.

    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: ; Mayb e it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid)

    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
    have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!

    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
    MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
    but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

    TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
    your brother's. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
    people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher

    Qugie
    So very pretty

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Qugie on Thu Jan 22, 2009 6:37 am

    Baumer wrote:
    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
    but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.


    LMAO Very Happy


    __________________________________________________________


    Pyriel32
    Director of Intelligence

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Thu Jan 22, 2009 11:58 am

    Ok this is why I am nolonger a substitute teacher. LoL

    Baumer
    Fleet Admiral

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Baumer on Fri Jan 30, 2009 12:55 am

    lol

    Pyriel32
    Director of Intelligence

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Pyriel32 on Fri Jan 30, 2009 11:09 am

    Willie Nelson

    Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher , iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday:


    "I have outlived my pecker".


    Seniors

    Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
    One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"
    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
    Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Post by Sponsored content Today at 10:29 am


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