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    JOKES

    Share

    Lomax6996
    Aiming to misbehave

    Fleet Rank : Captain
    Number of posts : 644
    Location : Where ever I go, there I am
    Ship Name : USS Thunderbolt (If I can just locate the USS Lightening together we'll be very, very frightening)

    Ship Registry Number : Meh... what's in a number?... or a name, for that matter? (I mean besides letters and numbers, obviously)
    Ship Class : A Fleet Defiant Retrofit (prone to throw a fit, now and again).
    Fleet Division : Command

    JOKES

    Post by Lomax6996 on Sun Oct 14, 2012 4:37 pm

    NERD JOKE: A young science student fails the exam to get in to a prestigious university because he misses a simple question. To the question, "How many valence electrons are there in a hydrogen atom?' he accidentally puts down 2. Later, despondent, he is walking along the beach trying to gather himself when he comes upon a lamp. Rubbing yields a Genie with the promise of a single wish. The young student wishes that he had gotten that one question right. The Genie shouts, "Done!" and vanishes in a puff of smoke... then the universe explodes.


    __________________________________________________________
    James T. Kirk: "Excuse me… Excuse me. I’d just like to ask a question… What does God need with a starship?" Shocked
    ZOE: "Sir... you paid money for this? On purpose?"
    Schrödinger's cat is dead
    R.I.P. Schrödinger's cat
    Schrödinger's cat has announced it WILL be attending the funeral

    Lomax6996
    Aiming to misbehave

    Fleet Rank : Captain
    Number of posts : 644
    Location : Where ever I go, there I am
    Ship Name : USS Thunderbolt (If I can just locate the USS Lightening together we'll be very, very frightening)

    Ship Registry Number : Meh... what's in a number?... or a name, for that matter? (I mean besides letters and numbers, obviously)
    Ship Class : A Fleet Defiant Retrofit (prone to throw a fit, now and again).
    Fleet Division : Command

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Lomax6996 on Sun Oct 14, 2012 4:45 pm

    A little boy approached his Mom one day and says, "I heard you and Daddy thumping around last night and when I looked in you were bouncing up and down on Daddy... why?" The Mom, caught off guard but thinking fast explains, "Well, dear, Daddy has gotten a bit fat so I was bouncing up and down on him to try and make him thinner". The little boy thinks a moment then says, "That's never gonna work." The Mom asks, "Why do you say that?" The little boy replies, "Because, everyday after you leave the lady next door comes over and just blows him back up!"


    __________________________________________________________
    James T. Kirk: "Excuse me… Excuse me. I’d just like to ask a question… What does God need with a starship?" Shocked
    ZOE: "Sir... you paid money for this? On purpose?"
    Schrödinger's cat is dead
    R.I.P. Schrödinger's cat
    Schrödinger's cat has announced it WILL be attending the funeral

    Gordon_Lightfoot
    So very pretty

    Fleet Rank : Captain
    Engineering Dept. Rank : SED Captain
    Number of posts : 404
    Location : California
    Ship Name : U.S.S. Edmnd Fitzgerald
    Ship Class : Fleet Escort
    Fleet Division : Engineering/Ops

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Gordon_Lightfoot on Sun Oct 14, 2012 11:22 pm

    Ollie and Inga were laying in bed on their 25th wedding anniversary and suddenly Inga punched Ollie in the arm...Ouch! yelled Ollie. What was that for? Inga replied, That is for 25 years of bad sex. I few minutes passed and Ollie suddenly punched Inga in the arm... Hey! What was that for? Inga asked. Ollie answered, That's for knowing the difference.


    __________________________________________________________
    For office use only.  Do not write below this line.

    Lastline
    Commander Air Group

    Fleet Rank : Fleet Admiral
    Serenity Starfighter Corps : FSC Fleet Chief Flight Marshal
    Number of posts : 3311
    Location : The Second Chance
    Ship Name : Sun Burst
    Ship Registry Number : NCC-989543
    Ship Class : Valkyrie
    Fleet Division : Starfighter Corps (The Fireflys)

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name: Nathan "Lastline" Merano

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Lastline on Mon Oct 15, 2012 3:46 pm

    THE PERFECT HUSBAND

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

    A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

    Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"

    WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

    MAN: "Yes."

    WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

    MAN: "How much?"

    WOMAN: "$90,000."

    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

    WOMAN: "Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

    The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"


    __________________________________________________________

    Firefox3178
    Browncoat

    Fleet Rank : Cadet
    Serenity Diplomatic Corps :
    Number of posts : 60
    Ship Name : AKS Mothra
    Ship Class : Mirror Qin
    Fleet Division : Command

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name:

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Firefox3178 on Mon Oct 15, 2012 7:04 pm

    This one is my favorite:

    A cop is directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.

    To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.

    On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.

    The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"

    The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."

    Lomax6996
    Aiming to misbehave

    Fleet Rank : Captain
    Number of posts : 644
    Location : Where ever I go, there I am
    Ship Name : USS Thunderbolt (If I can just locate the USS Lightening together we'll be very, very frightening)

    Ship Registry Number : Meh... what's in a number?... or a name, for that matter? (I mean besides letters and numbers, obviously)
    Ship Class : A Fleet Defiant Retrofit (prone to throw a fit, now and again).
    Fleet Division : Command

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Lomax6996 on Mon Oct 15, 2012 8:55 pm

    An American businessman on a business trip to Japan hires a hooker his first night there. As they're at it she keeps screaming, "Fujifoo! Fujifoo!" He assumes this is an expression of great pleasure on her part. The next day he is golfing with his Japanese host and gets a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress his host he shouts, "FUJIFOO!" The Japanese host looks at him, confused, and says, "No, no... you got the right hole"


    __________________________________________________________
    James T. Kirk: "Excuse me… Excuse me. I’d just like to ask a question… What does God need with a starship?" Shocked
    ZOE: "Sir... you paid money for this? On purpose?"
    Schrödinger's cat is dead
    R.I.P. Schrödinger's cat
    Schrödinger's cat has announced it WILL be attending the funeral

    Firefox3178
    Browncoat

    Fleet Rank : Cadet
    Serenity Diplomatic Corps :
    Number of posts : 60
    Ship Name : AKS Mothra
    Ship Class : Mirror Qin
    Fleet Division : Command

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name:

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Firefox3178 on Mon Oct 15, 2012 11:29 pm

    A guy met a girl and was invited back to her place for the night. As they went into her bedroom, he noticed that it was filled with stuffed animals. They were on top of the wardrobe, on the bookshelf and windowsill, on the floor and spread all over the bed.
    Later, after they’d had sex, he turned to her and asked, “So how was I?”
    “Well,” she said, “you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

    Lastline
    Commander Air Group

    Fleet Rank : Fleet Admiral
    Serenity Starfighter Corps : FSC Fleet Chief Flight Marshal
    Number of posts : 3311
    Location : The Second Chance
    Ship Name : Sun Burst
    Ship Registry Number : NCC-989543
    Ship Class : Valkyrie
    Fleet Division : Starfighter Corps (The Fireflys)

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name: Nathan "Lastline" Merano

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Lastline on Tue Oct 16, 2012 5:57 am

    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

    As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

    The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us!"

    The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

    They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

    The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

    The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

    The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

    The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

    The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

    The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

    Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

    The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

    The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

    The woman with the Chihuahua said,

    "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"


    __________________________________________________________

    Lastline
    Commander Air Group

    Fleet Rank : Fleet Admiral
    Serenity Starfighter Corps : FSC Fleet Chief Flight Marshal
    Number of posts : 3311
    Location : The Second Chance
    Ship Name : Sun Burst
    Ship Registry Number : NCC-989543
    Ship Class : Valkyrie
    Fleet Division : Starfighter Corps (The Fireflys)

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name: Nathan "Lastline" Merano

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Lastline on Wed Oct 17, 2012 4:05 pm

    The Salvation Army realized that they had never received a donation from Glasgow's most successful lawyer.

    So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

    The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over three million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

    The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge care bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

    Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."

    "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did your research show that my brother, a disabled Afghanistan veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

    The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

    "Thirdly," the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors and specialist nurses?"

    Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

    The lawyer thought again for a moment and said, "So, tell me Mr. Salvation Army volunteer, if I don't give any cash to them, what makes you think I'd give any cash to you?"


    __________________________________________________________

    Firefox3178
    Browncoat

    Fleet Rank : Cadet
    Serenity Diplomatic Corps :
    Number of posts : 60
    Ship Name : AKS Mothra
    Ship Class : Mirror Qin
    Fleet Division : Command

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name:

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Firefox3178 on Wed Oct 17, 2012 9:04 pm

    A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
    His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.

    With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son, but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother."

    The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.

    So he decides to go to his mother. "Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."

    His mother, smiling, said to him, "Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son."

    Firefox3178
    Browncoat

    Fleet Rank : Cadet
    Serenity Diplomatic Corps :
    Number of posts : 60
    Ship Name : AKS Mothra
    Ship Class : Mirror Qin
    Fleet Division : Command

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name:

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Firefox3178 on Wed Oct 17, 2012 9:08 pm

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

    She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

    "Yes, I do" she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

    "Yes, I remember!" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too." she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...

    "I would have been released today."

    Lastline
    Commander Air Group

    Fleet Rank : Fleet Admiral
    Serenity Starfighter Corps : FSC Fleet Chief Flight Marshal
    Number of posts : 3311
    Location : The Second Chance
    Ship Name : Sun Burst
    Ship Registry Number : NCC-989543
    Ship Class : Valkyrie
    Fleet Division : Starfighter Corps (The Fireflys)

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name: Nathan "Lastline" Merano

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Lastline on Mon Nov 05, 2012 4:59 pm

    My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

    "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

    Being the kind-hearted husband that I am,I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

    So we walked past it again.


    __________________________________________________________

    Lomax6996
    Aiming to misbehave

    Fleet Rank : Captain
    Number of posts : 644
    Location : Where ever I go, there I am
    Ship Name : USS Thunderbolt (If I can just locate the USS Lightening together we'll be very, very frightening)

    Ship Registry Number : Meh... what's in a number?... or a name, for that matter? (I mean besides letters and numbers, obviously)
    Ship Class : A Fleet Defiant Retrofit (prone to throw a fit, now and again).
    Fleet Division : Command

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Lomax6996 on Mon Nov 05, 2012 5:44 pm

    Lastline wrote:My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

    "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

    Being the kind-hearted husband that I am,I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

    So we walked past it again.

    lol! Yer alllllll heart heheheh


    __________________________________________________________
    James T. Kirk: "Excuse me… Excuse me. I’d just like to ask a question… What does God need with a starship?" Shocked
    ZOE: "Sir... you paid money for this? On purpose?"
    Schrödinger's cat is dead
    R.I.P. Schrödinger's cat
    Schrödinger's cat has announced it WILL be attending the funeral

    Lastline
    Commander Air Group

    Fleet Rank : Fleet Admiral
    Serenity Starfighter Corps : FSC Fleet Chief Flight Marshal
    Number of posts : 3311
    Location : The Second Chance
    Ship Name : Sun Burst
    Ship Registry Number : NCC-989543
    Ship Class : Valkyrie
    Fleet Division : Starfighter Corps (The Fireflys)

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name: Nathan "Lastline" Merano

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Lastline on Sat Nov 24, 2012 6:20 pm

    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go hunting instead of buying food?" the man asked.

    "No, I don't waste time hunting," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this going to the strip club instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS??" replied the homeless man. "I can't go to the strip club anymore!"

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, hunting, and the strip club!"


    __________________________________________________________

    Lastline
    Commander Air Group

    Fleet Rank : Fleet Admiral
    Serenity Starfighter Corps : FSC Fleet Chief Flight Marshal
    Number of posts : 3311
    Location : The Second Chance
    Ship Name : Sun Burst
    Ship Registry Number : NCC-989543
    Ship Class : Valkyrie
    Fleet Division : Starfighter Corps (The Fireflys)

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name: Nathan "Lastline" Merano

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Lastline on Sat Nov 24, 2012 6:21 pm

    An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

    The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture on the ill effects that gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse, smoking, and staying out late has on the human body."

    The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving a lecture like that at this time of night?"

    The man replies, "My wife."


    __________________________________________________________

    Lastline
    Commander Air Group

    Fleet Rank : Fleet Admiral
    Serenity Starfighter Corps : FSC Fleet Chief Flight Marshal
    Number of posts : 3311
    Location : The Second Chance
    Ship Name : Sun Burst
    Ship Registry Number : NCC-989543
    Ship Class : Valkyrie
    Fleet Division : Starfighter Corps (The Fireflys)

    Main RP Character Profile
    Name: Nathan "Lastline" Merano

    Re: JOKES

    Post by Lastline on Mon Dec 03, 2012 4:49 pm

    NOAH TODAY

    In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah,
    who was now living in America and said:
    "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
    -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
    "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
    along with a few good humans."
    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
    "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
    start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
    weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
    "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
    Where is the Ark?"
    "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
    "I needed a Building Permit."
    "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
    about the need for a sprinkler system."
    "My neighbors claim that I've violated the
    neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my
    back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
    go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
    "Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
    lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
    passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
    that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
    hear none of it."
    "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
    on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
    "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
    needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
    "When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
    confining wild animals against their will. They
    argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
    it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
    a confined space."
    "Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
    on your proposed flood."
    "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
    Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
    supposed to hire for my building crew."
    "The Immigration Dept. is checking the
    visa status of most of the people who want to work."
    "The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They
    insist I have to hire only Union workers with
    Ark-building experience."
    "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
    with endangered species."
    "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
    years for me to finish this Ark."
    "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
    and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
    Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
    "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
    "No," said the Lord.
    "The Government beat me to it."


    __________________________________________________________

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    Re: JOKES

    Post by Sponsored content Today at 1:53 pm


      Current date/time is Wed Sep 28, 2016 1:53 pm